Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Still Waiting...

Waiting… most of us don’t enjoy it. But for anything to be born, to be mastered, to be overcome, there must be a time of waiting. The Lord is good at letting us wait on Him and sometimes when I think one thousand years are as a day to Him, I can’t help but get a little concerned about some of the things I’m waiting for. I could go through all the clich├ęs, we wait because God is perfecting us, there’s something to learn, we’ve made some bad choices or it’s just not our time. Ok, I get it. But the part of me that forgets to call on Jesus must confess, sometimes waiting stinks!

I’ve been waiting almost two years for something. For a promise of the Word of God to be made manifest in my life. (LOL, no it’s not getting married). Actually it’s relief from a medical condition I’ve been struggling with. I know I have the right based on the Bible to expect Him to heal me, and I think I have the faith. But wow, it’s been two years.

Two years, waiting, on something so tiny and easy for God to fix. And I keep hearing, “His grace is sufficient, it’s just a thorn in your side, keep the faith.” But how do you keep the faith when the something you’re waiting for directly interferes with what you believe you’ve been called to do? What do you do when you’re waiting and it seems to be getting worse? Well either you buck up and believe or you waver and doubt.

I’m gonna tell the truth and shame the devil right now, I’ve wavered and doubted. I’ve been thinking deep down inside in that place where I don’t want to confess to anyone, that thing is never going to end. Doubt has just about broken me. And then I wonder if I’m called to do what I’m doing and I wonder if this is God’s way of trying to tell me to quit and then I wonder if He’s even listening at all.

Welcome to my world – the world of the truth of the Broken Box. So I tell the Lord these things and I demand to know, – “Jesus are you even listening?”

And then, something amazing happened, a small thing, but amazing to me. A few weeks ago I had been in the car and heard the most beautiful song for the first time, one of those songs I wish I wrote. It was gut wrenching, the type of song you hear and know it was written about your entire personal life. The type of song that breaks you down and causes you to weep before God. I made a mental note to look the song up and then promptly forgot about it. Several weeks later as I sat in the car frustrated with my waiting process, I whispered in mind, “I wish I could hear that song right now, how did it go?” 2 minutes later the intro filled the car – “I want a heart that forgives, lives and let lives, totally free from the pain of the past, I want a heart that loves everybody, even my enemies…” and I knew God heard me, I knew He heard my prayers.

Later that same night I forgot my GPS in the car – something you do NOT want to do in a public parking garage in New York City. I was halfway to the front door of my apt. building and had to turn around and walk back. Now this may not seem like a big deal, but it was freezing! And walking back to the garage in NYC is not like walking across the street, we’re talking a true hike since we live in this huge housing complex (like over 100,000 people huge). Not only did I have to walk back to the garage, I’d have to walk around the front because I had a visitor’s pass and no key to go in the back entrance. And did I say it was hike and it was cold, and I had on my “cute girl shoes?”

I thought to myself, it would be so great if someone opened the back door and I could get in that way. And at that exact moment, some nice young man opened the back door and held it for me, even though I was still across the small street that separates the back door from the playground that you have to walk through before you even get to the back door… did I say it was a hike?

And again I realized, God you hear me.

I wish I could say that after knowing that God heard me, on these tiny things, that He showed up and did a mighty work on the big thing that I’ve been waiting on.

The answer is no.

I’m still waiting on healing. I’m still on occasion fighting discouragement. I know that He hears me but I still don’t understand why He hasn’t moved in my situation.

But I do know this. This is where the rubber meets the road with faith. I either believe or have a temper tantrum and give up because I can’t have it my way. I either believe His word, which says, Psalms 32 verse 8 - “He will guide me along the best pathways for my life” or I don’t.

Somehow, this has to be the best pathway for my life. I don’t like it. I don’t understand it, but I’m determined to walk through it. I won’t give up, I’ll ask for prayer, I’ll battle being discouraged. I’ll get in every prayer line, I’ll speak health and life to my body, and I’ll quote the word over my life.

I will wait upon the Lord and I will renew my strength.